It Is Not My time

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord.”

What I am about to share only my close friends know, but i think its time I let it out.Every time I looked at the pee stick I cried, most commonly known as the pregnancy test . When I married my husband it was one of the first things on my list as well as living happily ever after of course. It was one of my biggest dreams, to be a mom. Time after time that pee stick said , “nope not this month.” After a while all that longing turned into bitterness.

I would see a woman I knew pregnant and murmured under my breath that she did not deserve that blessing. I would see young girls getting pregnant and automatically snap at God saying that they were unfit mother’s. I felt the anger every time a friend was pregnant for the second time, or even friends who were not even trying just conceive. Those fertile myrtles really ticked me off.  For a time I did not want to be around pregnant women because I secretly hated them. I would cry and ask God “why not me?” In all honesty it made me feel like God was saying that I was not good enough to hold life inside me, unworthy even. As I write this I can remember the pain every time that pee stick said no.

As time passed I slowly but surely saw that it is all about God’s timing. I took a while to learn this valuable lesson. And that lesson was not learned in a day, a week, or even a month, it took years to learn this. I was not ready to be a mom, that is the beautiful truth. You see, when you give your life to the Lord you are saying you trust Him with your plans, your dreams and most of all with His timing. His timing is always perfect and you need to know that and accept that.

Looking back I am so thankful for God’s intervention. For Him telling me no on motherhood. I wanted a child for selfish reasons, not because of love or because I wanted to raise up a kind , loving human being. Back then a child to me meant validation, it meant that I would not be alone, it meant maybe my marriage would be saved. Those where lies i told my hurting self! I do not need validation because I am enough. I am not alone because God is always with me. And adding an innocent child to a struggling marriage will not save it, only God can do that.

So when God is having you wait on something whatever it may be, just know that He has His reasons. You might learn the reasons later as to why He said no or you might never know. But you do know that His plans for you are greater and that His thoughts are higher. He wants to prosper you and not harm you, all He wants is to give his children His best. A life full of hope and the impossible made possible.

My life right now is pretty great, no kids yet, just a dog and the husband but I am super happy and blessed. I am not lacking in anything and I could never had even imagined how sweet my life would be, but He did. Not having kids has helped my husband and I become closer. We take trips together and just have fun with each other. We stay up super late which we regret the next morning but we get to sleep in so its okay. God has renewed our love. We have nieces and nephews that we adore and have helped us to know what kind of parents we want to be. I said want to be because honestly I don’t think anyone has this parenting thing down.  When God finally says it is time I will be full of joy but for now I will rejoice with the women in my life that are prego at this moment. All I am saying is trust God’s timing, it might be painful but I assure you that this pain helps you grow and learn. His timing is perfect!

 

 

 

 

 

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