I am not going to Church, I am sleeping In
I really thought about writing this for a while but was scared too. I was scared to be judged by my one reader or my zero reader. But I decided that I must write this. Not for me but maybe for that one person who is struggling with this at the moment. Or I might be lying and this actually is for me.
My relationship with God is a beautiful one in progress. I tell Him everything, my struggles, my pain, my motives you name it. I also listen to Him through His word. Don’t think I am walking around listening to voices and talking to myself and thinking that it’s God. I read my bible and study His ways. I am not going to a physical church but I am keeping in the word. I am telling others about Jesus, I am listening to Sermons online and talking to other believers. The reason I stopped going is because it began to feel disingenuous. The people were not the problem and I am not disillusioned with the church either. I just didn’t want to go anymore and that does not make me a bad person.
At this moment in my life I just need to be with God on my own. Have my own thoughts with Him and of Him. I want to be able to have church in me. To be the church and proclaim His love. I love those people who wake up every Sunday and go to church to hear the Pastor. I love those who are serving and greet you with a smile as you enter the sanctuary. But for the moment I want to be at His feet. I want to be me with Him and experience Him and for me this is what I needed.
Before anyone tells me that I need to be with other believers, trust me, I know, and I am keeping in touch. I have someone to hold me accountable as we should always and people I ask for prayer when I’m in need. I have people that I pray for and people that I encourage. I just needed to figure out who I was in Christ without the rituals I had made for myself or the things that I needed to do to look like a Christian. I do love Church, the building, but at this moment in my life that is not where I am at. I will return one day when God shows me it is time and I am ready. I want to be genuine about my presence.
I am not saying don’t go to church but what I am saying is stop making God a mundane thing. He is more complex than that, He is in everything. He is more than just a Sunday sermon, more than just a bible study once a week, He is more than anything we could imagine. So for now, I do not go to a building, not because I think It is wrong but because I want to do church with my family and friends and strangers. And if I am wrong He will guide me back, no worries. I love Jesus and just because I am not physically going to a church and I am sleeping in it does not mean I don’t love Him.